On The Night You Were Born

Today my sweet boy, Avrum James is one year old. Where has the time gone?! I often sit and wonder if I've held him enough. Do I not only tell him I love him but also show him enough? Am I really giving all I have to that little boy? How can I be a better mother? All I really want is to have a healthy, happy boy. I want him to be confident in my devotion to him, I want him to trust me and know I will always be here and will do anything in this world for him.

On the night Avrum, often called boogie or Av (Awe-vee) was born I had labored for 36 beautiful hours. I was uneducated about inductions and induced with pitocin. I had been laboring for two weeks prior to his arrival but refused induction until the last, or so I had thought, minute. And for my induction I am and will always be sorry. I wish I had been more informed and aware of our rights. I fee we have been abused by the system, we were told we needed to be induced. Which was a lie. I tried, under medical supervision, to naturally induce with black and blue cohosh. Epic fail. I wanted a natural birth and fought for it. After a while I was talked into an epidural. The Dr came (note: I am deathly afraid of needles) and attempted to start it. Yes, attempted. He so kindly hit a nerve and I felt every bit of the stick, the cath and cold as hell drug. Oh, and the catheter Av's big head later pushed out. No doubt, the epidural had completely failed but the drug was still in my system :( After 36 hours my miraculous miracle, Avrum James, had arrived. 7 pound 15.2 ounces (after pooping on our Dr and his Daddy!) and 21.5 inches long on 3-3-12. I had/have never been so proud of anything in my life. Then I started to hemorrhage, thanks to the cohosh, which is also a natural blood thinner, surprise! I was bleeding like a stuck pig and drugged and whatever he did to stop it, I can't remember, I can't remember the first hour or so of my son's life. But one thing I do remember is my Dr standing up for me and saying that my baby does not get formula!

Today we celebrated one year of ups and downs, the past year has been a hard one for us. No doubt but I love that little boy more than anything in this world. I would do anything to provide for him. He is my everything. He give me a reason to go on. Avrum has taught me so much, I think I have learned more in this past year then ever; he has taught me how to love, how to be loved, patients and compassion, he has taught me the meaning of life. We didn't do much, we coconut cupcakes a few friends over and presents. It's not much but I'm proud of what I can provide. Today we also celebrated one year of breastfeeding, for that I am very proud of us. I am officially nursing a toddler!

Before nursing my sweet boogie boy to sleep I read him The Night You Were Born. I think that book was wrote for him ;)

On the night you were born,
the moon smiled with so much wonder
that the stars peeked in to see you and the night wind whispered,
"Life will never be the same."

Because there had never been anyone like you.... ever in the world

-Nancy Tillman